Day after Election Day
Erin: How are you holding up?
Bree: I'm okay. I'm sad. I'm just glad that Carson isn't quite old enough to understand because I need to process how to lead my child through this.
Erin: I know, right? That's what I was thinking about. What you say to your child.
Bree: Whose father is the enemy on all accounts. White America hates him because of his skin color and black America hates him because he's in law enforcement. But I feel the most insane responsibility to make the most incredible human out of him and not let outside factors harden me.
Erin: God that is so powerful and so painfully true. It is one of the saddest most startling realizations.
Bree: I think for me the hardest thing to comprehend and really accept is that this wasn't an accident. Like when I was in London everyone talks about the brexit as an accident. Everyone assumed it would never happen so no one voted. But America showed up and voted. So it's an intentional tragedy. And it makes me so sad that there are so many people that believe so strongly in all the wrong things. But, I'm also raising the next generation. Have to be the best possible mama ever...
Sunday, October 9th
Erin: Tell me about how you and Dave met.
Bree: Well, we were both wingmen for our friends. And we fell in bar love. You know how you fall in bar in love.
Erin: I don’t know if I do because I don’t know if I’ve ever fallen in bar love.
Bree: Oh you would know, you would know. You meet somebody and you spend every waking second with them…at the bar. And then you exchange numbers, but then you don’t remember exactly what they look like and if you would really like them without the bar. You know, like that! So then we just started talking and then we went on our first date. We met at a really casual restaurant and I remember thinking, Alright, you gotta make sure to have really good eye contact. So I thought I was killing it. I thought my eye contact was so good (through laughter). I am like a 10 out of 10 right now. And then we left and he text me and was like, “Well that was awkward. What’s up with that eye contact?” He legitimately called me out because he thought I was creepy because I was starting at him and I just thought I had really good eye contact. It was debatable if we were going to have a second date.
Dave: Very debatable. (Laughter)
Erin: Wait, so you were the wing people for your friends?
Bree: Mmhm. They didn’t work out.
Erin: Ha! Okay so you’re at the bar and you saw Dave and thought OH.
Bree: I think it was more, Dave saw me and his friend tried to be like, “Talk to my friend!” Isn't that what happened?
Dave: Maybe. I'm pretty low-key so I...
Bree: You didn't like, go up to me.
Dave: I probably didn't.
Erin: Did you go up to him?
Dave & Bree: I think it was a pretty mutual…
Bree: I think low-key is a good word to use. We're very opposite.
Erin: ... I feel like with a lot of couples, there’s always one person doing more of the chatting. Like you go out, and the other person is like, “Alright, I’m gonna go slip in the shadows! You find me when you’re done.”
Dave: That’s definitely us.
Bree: Yeah, for sure.
Erin: Yeah like, love you, support you, find you in a few minutes.
Bree: Totally! That’s us for sure. When we first started spending time with his family, he was like, “I’m here to hang out with my family, I’m not here to hang out with you.” (All laughing) So straightforward. I thought OH. Okay. That makes sense! Thank goodness I love his family.
Erin: But I think that’s important. It’s hard when you have to entertain.
Bree: He wouldn’t do it.
Dave: It’d be tough.
Erin: I mean imagine if the first year she met your family, you’d had to coach her through it.
Dave: Yeah, that’s the last thing I want to do (laughter). It’d the same around me though. I don’t think she wants to me to hang around her the whole time she’s with her family.
Bree: I think we both have a similar take on it. Especially because our whole families aren’t together a lot. His whole family is in California, driving distance. Mine’s all flights. But he and my brother-and-law are close, he and my dad are close. It’s not like he sits down and pouts!
*Carson accidentally hurts Bree*
Dave: Hey, that’s not cool buddy. What do you say to mommy?
Bree: Can you give me a kiss…
*Carson gives her a kiss*
Bree: No, I want a kiss where you hurt me! Get up here and give me a kiss! (As she tickles him)
Carson: Mama I have superpowers on my back!
Bree: You have superpowers on your back?
Bree: So then we did go on a second date. Even though he didn’t want to because he thought I was creepy.
Erin: Did you kiss on the first date?
Bree: We kissed like five minutes after we met.
Erin: Ugh. So after the bar you text her being like, “Well that was awkward.” Did you laugh?
Bree: No. I was thinking, What! I was caught off guard because I thought I killed it. But I didn’t. (Laughter) I mean it worked! If it weren’t for my eye contact, we wouldn’t be here today. (Smiles at Dave) So you’re welcome.
Erin: So when did you next see each other?
Bree: Probably a couple days after the fact. We didn’t spin around it for a long time. We decided we wanted to start spending time together, and we started spending time together. Our second date he came to my house. We cooked. It’s funny because he and I have the most different eating habits in the whole world. Literally we’ve tried to reach a common ground and it just doesn’t work so we don’t do it. So we were cooking dinner and I ate red meat for the first time in 4 years because I can’t tell this guy like, Thanks for the spaghetti with sausage and beef but I don’t eat any of that.
Erin: Well what do you normally like to eat?
Bree: I eat really clean. I eat chicken and fish if I eat meat. I don’t really eat pasta. It’s funny because now we make that all the time. I don’t ever eat it, but now I can not eat it. Then I couldn’t not eat it. So I totally ate it. (Laughter)
Bree: We watched End of Watch, a Jake Gyllenhaal movie about the LAPD, and he was like, “This is my life so if you’re not into this, this isn’t going to work.” We just put it all out on the table. (Dave is a sheriff)
Erin: Wait I love it.
Bree: And I was scared out of my mind watching that movie but then I thought, Okay. Let’s do this!
Dave: But we have a really good understanding. She doesn’t really cook for me, and I don’t cook for her. It’s kinda like, it is what it is.
Bree: (Laughing) Totally!
Dave: I don’t think we’ll ever be that family where everyone sits at the table and eats the same thing.
Bree: I literally text him the other day on the way home from work and said, “Do you want me to make you dinner?” He said “No!” In the past when I’d offer, he’d be like, “What are you going to make?” I go, “I don’t know… kale with some hummus on top?” So we have our common understanding that it just works for us to not try.
Erin: So Carson must eat a combination then. You give him a green smoothie in the morning and then he goes out later for a burger or pizza.
Bree: Yes, but it’s fine! I know that when he’s with dad he gets chicken nuggets. And Dave knows that when he’s with me he gets some vegetables so he doesn’t have to worry about it. So yeah we just have a balance!
Erin: This is too funny. I always think about what people are willing to compromise on. And what’s cool in your situation is you don’t make a fuss about food. You’re down with eating what you want to eat, he’s down with eating what he wants to eat. But some people are nuts about food.
Bree: I think we’re two of the best people about compromising because we are so different. We’ve just accepted how different the other one is.
Erin: Tell me about how you’re different.
Bree: I like affection. Dave’s not a big affection person. I’m more like huggy, snuggle… Like last night we were watching Game of Thrones upstairs. And we got this couch that has two recline things on opposite sides. And I said to him, “I just realized why you like this couch - because I can’t snuggle with you!” (Laughter)
Erin: He’s like, we’re experiencing this together, but apart! I just love that you’re in the room with me.
Bree: Totally! But I just love you on your side of the couch. Where I’m like, all up in his grill like, Can I get under your arm and wrap my leg around you? So we’ve figured out a really good middle that we’re both happy in.
Erin: This is so awesome. I forget if we’ve talked about the 5 love languages.
Bree: I feel like you and I have.
Erin: Okay great, well I feel like Dave will appreciate this. I remember when Bree and I first met, one of the first things she said was, “You know, Dave’s incredible, but he’s not a man of many words.” (Laughter all around) So there’s this thing called the five love languages. Basically it originated with this physiologist observing couples’ day in and day out for 3 years. And he came to the conclusion that there are five different ways in which people show love, romantically, but also in general. The first is words of affirmation, which might be you, Bree. The second is physical touch, which is also probably you too. The third is quality time - alone time, undivided attention together. The fourth is acts of service (which I think is Dave). That’s like, Oh babe, I cleaned the kitchen for you because I know you didn’t want to, and then the fifth is gift giving or gift receiving. So that’s like leaving a note on the bed, or picking up a meal, whatever. Can be most the trivial thing or the most extravagant depending on what feels good for you. What it comes down to is, a lot of people get confused about how their partner shows love, because everyone is speaking in these different love languages. And everyone needs to receive love in their language because that’s what they’re used to. So if you’re a person that gives words to show love, then you’re thinking, my partner should give me words too. But then you realize that that’s not how they show love. So it comes back to the idea of noticing - this person likes this thing, so even though this isn’t natural for me, maybe I’ll do it a little a more because I know that they like it. And vice versa. But it’s also important to know that someone cleaning the kitchen is also saying I love you in their own way.
Bree: You’re right. Dave’s is acts of service! It took me awhile to discover how to read that, because I’m totally words and physical touch. And Dave is so acts of service. So finally I figured out, OH, if I actually do something for him like clean the house, that makes him happy. I should do that.
Erin: Yeah! And it means so much more to the person. Like if Dave wrote you a poem…
Bree: I would die if he wrote me a poem.
Erin: I just think it’s so cool that you’re different in these ways but you can still love and accept the other person.
Bree: Totally. And I always say, I choose to love him, so I love all of him, even if it’s not the same as me. You know?
Erin: Oh my god.
Bree: So we’re writing our own vows, and it’s going to be like the best 30 seconds of my life.
Erin: I love that you are doing your own vows.
Bree: It was actually Dave’s call. I’m dying over it I am so excited.
Erin: This is so special.
Bree: I don’t even care if its two sentences.
Tuesday, November 6th
Erin: I just realized that all the photos I took are of Carson, and I never included anything about how he entered the picture in this blog post… even though he IS the entire story. Will you retell me how Dave got a bloody nose after you told him you were pregnant?
Bree: (Laughter) So Dave got a bloody nose because he was so stressed. He called me back five minutes later and then said, “Alright, we’re good.” I remember saying at one point, “Dave, can you just freak out for a second? Stress out! Freak out!” He would say, “Well that’s not gonna change anything.”
Erin: (Laughing) So you’re dating for 6 months, happy as can be…
Bree: And then we find out we’re pregnant. Then shit gets real.
Erin: But weren’t you so happy about the news?
Bree: Oh yeah for sure. No questions asked. We knew we loved each other and we knew we wanted to have babies together and be together forever, we just didn’t know it would be then.
Erin: Love that. Will you tell me how having Carson has changed your relationship?
Bree: We used to be a couple and now we are a unit. We can’t function as a unit without each other. We need the balance of one another because we’re both very different parents - we need how I parent and we need how he parents. And having Carson has helped us appreciate the differences in each other and it’s helped us both become better people and better partners.
Erin: THANK YOU. Now let’s discuss the wedding…